As a campus ministry (and I'm speaking for myself here), we are people who deeply appreciate Soy Lattés, not only due to their soothing and medicinal properties, but also because they are, in many ways, the very heart of our social life as campus disciples. Because of the deep love for humanity in the hearts of the campus ministry, and because we at Souled Out seek the good of those who read our pages, I hereby present to you... 10 reasons why Soy Lattés will change your life...
Because of the deep significance of us being perfectly united on all key matters of faith, we strongly encourage all of our members to discover the joys of Soy Lattés. When we start studying the Bible with people, we find the following "first five studies" to be very useful and effective:
Word -> Discipleship -> Sin -> Soy Latté -> Repentance
Because it is difficult to argue that NOT drinking Soy Lattés is actually sin, we find it best to cover it as a separate study, but always before Repentance, for obvious reasons. Because this gem of a study is not well known, I hereby present it to you in full:
The best place to cover Soy with people is at a good café. Let them order a coffee first. If they don't order a Soy Latté, then you know immediately why this study is so crucial. Even if they do, though, it's helpful to go over these sound biblical principles with them.
Genesis 1:29-31
The first thing which God gave man was the fields and the crops to harvest and enjoy the fruit of. Need anything more be said? Soy is from the field, at least that's what I seem to remember learning once, and things that people seem to remember are usually right. So what more reason do you need?
Daniel 1:12-15
What made Daniel and his friends look "healthier and better nourished" than all the King's men? Vegetables and water, you say? Let's read between the lines here: What vegetables go well with water? Well, it sure makes sense that, with some coffee grind to boot, it was none other than Soy Lattés that was sustaining these men of God. But you may ask: How do we know that Soy Lattés was available in ancient Israel? Ahh, but that is a moot point, because Daniel was in Babylon.
John 2:1-10
Jesus turned water in Soy Lattés! OK, fine, that's an exaggeration, but you have to remember that back then, cappuccino machines had not been invented. So if Jesus HAD turned water in Soy Latté's, everyone would have said "What is this strange drink that you are bringing to our lips?" (Acts 17:20). If Jesus was around today, who would doubt that Soy Lattés would absolutely have been on the agenda? If it's you, then just keep quiet - I'm talking to you.
2 Timothy 2:21
This is the ultimate proof: "If a man cleanses himself from the latter, he will be an instrument for noble purposes, made holy..." etc. What everyone has missed until now is that there is an unknown textual variant on this verse, which proves that what Paul actually meant to write was "If a man cleanses himself WITH the LATTÉ, he will be an instrument for noble purposes, made holy, useful to the Master and prepared to do any good work." (emendation mine) What more proof do you need? Scripture has spoken with crystal clarity!
A startling truth which has waited until now to be unveiled is that Soy Lattés will actually help you to understand one of the Bible's most perplexing conundrums. We all know the ingredients of a good Latté: Soy milk, coffee and water. They combine in rich harmony to create the aroma, the delicacy, the experience that is a Soy Latté. Let us consider this diagrammatically:
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So, as you can plainly see, to understand Lattés is to understand the Trinity in a whole new way!
Just check out these statistics: "In the new study, 17 male monkeys were fed a diet with typically high North American levels of fat and in which all the protein source was isoflavone-rich soy protein. A control group of 18 male monkeys was fed a similar diet but the protein source was casein/lactalbumin. Another group of 18 was fed the same animal protein diet along with de-alcoholized red wine, which remains rich in antioxidants. After six months, total blood cholesterol was reduced significantly in the monkeys that consumed the soy protein diet, compared with those in the other two groups. Levels of HDL increased in the soy group, but decreased in the control and red wine groups."
In fact, I remember hearing that 48.5% of statistics are made up on the spot. And if that much research has been done into statistics, then who can doubt that they must always be the truth?
Here's some facts for you, from reputable sources that I got from a search engine: "Does drinking coffee contribute to or cause infertility and/or delayed conception? No, there is no evidence of this"; "Does coffee or caffeine consumption by pregnant women cause a lower than normal birth weight in babies? No, although in the past there were some reports of this, they have been dispelled by current research"; "Is it safe to drink coffee before conception? Yes it is safe to consume coffee before trying to get pregnant, but as stated above, it can sometimes make it harder to conceive"; "Does drinking coffee increase the chance of birth defects in your infant? No, there is no evidence of this."
And, as I'm sure you'd agree, ANY substance that has so many people asking these kinds of questions must have no problems whatsoever!
In fact, the benefits of water are so incredible that I can hardly even give you a taste of them here, no pun intended. But just to have a go at it anyway: "Nutrition experts agree that people should drink six to eight glasses of water per day as part of a healthy lifestyle"; "Sixty-five percent of the body weight is water. Water keeps the moisture in the body, transporting oxygen to blood, and helps carry nutrients through blood"; And, one of the most insightful things I've seen on the web: "Drinking water is the number one source of liquid intake."
And what is the best source of water, you ask? Well, I would estimate that Soy Lattés contain about 98% water, and 98% is almost close to a hundred percent as any percentage that is almost 98%, which is pretty incredible if you think about it. But don't think about it for too long - remember, these deep and revelatory truths may cause dizziness. In fact, you keep on thinking Soy and drinking Lattés, you may even need to go to the bathroom due to your excitement about the new lifestyle you are attaining to - try it and see.
For instance, let's say you build up, through constant training, the kind of appreciation and desire for Soy Lattés which truly does befit their all-around elegance and excellence. Well, for one thing, you'll be needing to nip out to a café at least every day in order to go buy one, because everyone knows that it's impossible to make lattés at home. (If you know a way, please email me immediately!)
So there you have it! - no more days spent whiling away time at home - you'll be out and about in no time, with a Soy Latté in hand! And within hours, maybe even minutes, it will be in your stomach, yet another testament to the astounding and transformative powers of Soy Lattés.
But enough with the spiritual and physical benefits. It's time to turn now to something even more astounding: Soy Lattés could just happen to make you one of the most popular people in town. Just imagine it, you swagger into a café with a few mates, and sit down to order. "Umm, I'll have... a ... water," mumbles someone. Hmm, is she lacking money, style, or both? "I'll have a double shot no-fat, half-caf, decaf skinny chino with ice," says someone else. Who is she trying to impress? But then you come out with the ultimate order: "Hey, it'll be a Soy Latté for me, you know." Can you just try to imagine the stares of admiration would sweep over that café? Think I'm exaggerating? Well, I think that I dreamt once that someone had that story written on their pillow. And pillows don't lie.
How, you ask? With one simple question: "Do you sell Soy Lattés?" It's that simple. Perhaps your thinking "But how can you judge a café by it's cover?" Well, as you may have realised, this is simply an inappropriate question, because cafés don't have covers. They either have Soy Lattés, or they don't, and that's all that matters.
Everyone knows that if you like something, you have to look it up on the internet in order to find out everything about it. In fact, I may or may not have read on a website that the Internet is the most trustworthy resource available on the TCP/IP protocol. Isn't that incredible? So, once you get to loving Soy Lattés, you'll be pointing and clicking in ways you never thought possible. So, to get you started, I here present to you the MOST COMPREHENSIVE LIST OF SOY LATTÉ PAGES ON THE WEB. I'm so sure that this is comprehensive that if you find any page that's not here, then send me $3.50, and I'll go out and buy myself a coffee as a way of dealing with my shock. And what kind of coffee will it be? Well, I leave that for you to figure out.
And what is the final way that Soy Lattés will change your life? Well, I leave that for you to discover! I know what you're thinking: "Rob just couldn't think of one, and this is just a cheap trick as he tries to get out of it." Well, I'd just like to say that I do not appreciate either the phrasing or the tone of that comment, and I'd like you to put it more nicely next time.
Here endeth the page of Soy.